Lazy VS. Lost

So let me think this through. I have so many ideas, so many things I would enjoy being when I grow up. Why does this have to be so fudge sucking hard?! ROAR meow. 

As the title says "Lazy Vs. Lost".... I believe it's a bit of both. Being lost but having so many ideas creates an overwhelming confusion. Makes me feel like a 5 year old spinning for the donkey and his tail. With this confusion and out of control bursts of ideas can cause a mental melt down. Total ooze out the ear, glossy eyed, better just watch ONE (or six) more episode of the Criminal Minds marathon. My REAL life consists of many decisions to make, endless chores, animals to care for, keeping a relationship together, family chaos, and the unattainable attainable personal goals. Each day is taken in stride and my week(s) are usually mapped out in advance, leaving no room for the spontaneity that my soul is craving. 

On top of not deciding which direction to point my bursts of energy, I have a voice correcting me whenever I don't do something THE RIGHT WAY. Their way (to no realization or fault of their own) was just that... THEIR WAY. This weighed down on me each and every attempt at creation of a project, goal, or daily chore. To constantly be corrected and never righted made me feel incapable. Now I am furthermore into this rotating circle of Lazy Vs. Lost.

Until last week.....

When I realized that I need to make those mistakes in order to learn from them. That I have just as much right to make good or bad decision on my own. I realized that this has not always been the dynamic between the Voice and I. Maybe the voice was speaking from a place that was making up for my distance and disconnection? I also realized that the actions of "laziness" I had been taking where everything felt "too hard", "impossible", "out of control", were/could be signs of depression. Since I really had no reason to be falling into a depression besides that of my own sulking and pity, I pulled my head out of my ass. Woke up from my stupor and decided I would start with something tiny that felt "hard" and did something about it. Then onto the next thing. One little step and this lady was moving forward again.

I am still not quite sure which direction will become my personal identity, but I'm excited to find out. And I sure as hell won't be dragged down by myself or anyone for that matter. You just never know unless you try.

ALWAYS QUESTION, ALWAYS DISCOVER, ALWAYS TRY, NEVER SETTLE, AND DON'T GIVE UP.

~L