She decides to dance.

Dance when know one is watching. Dance to express what the soul cannot speak. Doesn't care if it looks like the Carleton from "Fresh Prince of Bel Air." To Dance may not be in the literal term. I use it figuratively as an expression of oneself. Some recent conversations with family have started my inner creativity to bubble to the surface. I haven't felt this inspired to be inside my own head since I was a teen. I hope it's not a short lived fantasy, but one more stone in my path of self discovery. The concept that my imagination is endless and even if I can't physically be experiencing life in the way I think I should, I can go and do whatever I want with with it. I want to take you there. I want to scrape off the dust of my own story, or one I would like to have. 

To dance is to move, and to move is to be alive.

Breath with me.

~L

Lazy VS. Lost

So let me think this through. I have so many ideas, so many things I would enjoy being when I grow up. Why does this have to be so fudge sucking hard?! ROAR meow. 

As the title says "Lazy Vs. Lost".... I believe it's a bit of both. Being lost but having so many ideas creates an overwhelming confusion. Makes me feel like a 5 year old spinning for the donkey and his tail. With this confusion and out of control bursts of ideas can cause a mental melt down. Total ooze out the ear, glossy eyed, better just watch ONE (or six) more episode of the Criminal Minds marathon. My REAL life consists of many decisions to make, endless chores, animals to care for, keeping a relationship together, family chaos, and the unattainable attainable personal goals. Each day is taken in stride and my week(s) are usually mapped out in advance, leaving no room for the spontaneity that my soul is craving. 

On top of not deciding which direction to point my bursts of energy, I have a voice correcting me whenever I don't do something THE RIGHT WAY. Their way (to no realization or fault of their own) was just that... THEIR WAY. This weighed down on me each and every attempt at creation of a project, goal, or daily chore. To constantly be corrected and never righted made me feel incapable. Now I am furthermore into this rotating circle of Lazy Vs. Lost.

Until last week.....

When I realized that I need to make those mistakes in order to learn from them. That I have just as much right to make good or bad decision on my own. I realized that this has not always been the dynamic between the Voice and I. Maybe the voice was speaking from a place that was making up for my distance and disconnection? I also realized that the actions of "laziness" I had been taking where everything felt "too hard", "impossible", "out of control", were/could be signs of depression. Since I really had no reason to be falling into a depression besides that of my own sulking and pity, I pulled my head out of my ass. Woke up from my stupor and decided I would start with something tiny that felt "hard" and did something about it. Then onto the next thing. One little step and this lady was moving forward again.

I am still not quite sure which direction will become my personal identity, but I'm excited to find out. And I sure as hell won't be dragged down by myself or anyone for that matter. You just never know unless you try.

ALWAYS QUESTION, ALWAYS DISCOVER, ALWAYS TRY, NEVER SETTLE, AND DON'T GIVE UP.

~L

In case you read this some day..

I am needing an outlet. I am stuck with a big fat fucking question mark over my face.. yeah that's all I see is a (?) in the mirror anymore, hovering above my shoulders. I know facts about myself. I know my interests, dislikes, will do's and don't you even think about its. But who am I wanting to become from this day forward? I am a newlywed, 27-ish, business owner that is naturally (well used to be) high on life. I love my horses, clean houses, sex, movie nights, barely-there-coffee, spontaneity, goals, barely-there-underwear, and my husband. I'll stop there as to not wow you into oblivion :-/. Needless to say, I feel bland. 

So here I go, pouring my anonymous thoughts into the universe (oh yes, I believe in the power of the universe), in order to clear my clogged soul. This lady insists on adventuring into self-discovery and finding a direction. I love the life my husband (still weird to call him that... been together as BF/GF for 10 years!) and I have built, but I am at a crossroads. Who am I? This MissMrs? A Girl/Woman that never discovered herself and it's "damn well time!"  She shouts, fist to hip.  Separate from the life I have grown into, what more can I create as my OWN identity? 

Further more, WHO ARE YOU? Who are you and how did you get to yourself? Advice is welcome, but I may not be able to follow it, as I can't seem to make a decision for myself right now. How did you find true, soul quenching, happiness? Are these questions we will ask for the rest of our lives?!??!?^%#$*^(&^)*&_*  Lets find out together. 

Follow your feathers. Listen to the 111 signals and pursue true happiness. I'm listening universe. 

And in case you read this, send some good thoughts for someone you may or may not know. You might not know how much they need it.

~L